GOALS FOR THE DAY!
- Prepare healthy meals
- Run on treadmill one hour
- Do 50 laps of pool
- Write blog
- Plan new Sci-Fi novel
6.00am; Woken by husband who is off to have shower. Consider making omelets for breakfast.
6.01 am – 6.15am; Go back to sleep.
6.15am; Woken again by hungry husband. Get up and put on robe. Look for robe belt. Give up looking.
6.15-6.30am; Cook omelet with one hand due to other hand being needed to hold robe closed. Make mental note to look for robe belt.
6.30am-6.45am; Eat breakfast with husband. Attempt cheery conversation while keeping eyes open.
6.45am; Kiss husband goodbye at door. Accidentally flash breasts at husband due to missing robe belt. Quickly close door to prevent husband re-entering apartment.
6.45am -7.30am; Open laptop to write blog. Sleep on sofa hugging laptop.
7.30am -7.32am; Give up on blog. Research low carb chicken recipes on Internet. Feel morally superior to feeble – minded morons who waste time looking at cat videos on U-tube.
7.32am-8. 40am; Watch video of kitten playing with a watermelon.
8.42am; Text husband to tell him I am going to apartment complex gym. See remote control for cable TV on floor near sofa. Pick up remote to put it away neatly. Check TV remote to see if it is working properly.
8.42am-10.00am; Watch taped episode of “Embarrassing Bodies”. Google all ailments discussed on program. Join on-line support groups and give gratuitous advice.
10.00am-10.30am; Minutely examine body for evidence of verruca, tubular breasts and varicose veins.
10.30am-10.35am; Eat high protein snack in preparation for gym session.
10.35am-10.36am; Finish chocolate cake and ice cream. Hide evidence.
10.36am-11.00am; Search for gym shoes and gym clothes. Examine crotch in mirror while wearing new shorts for evidence of camel toe. Attempt to pull down shorts to eliminate camel toe. Change shorts.
11.00am-11.05am; Pack bag for gym. Bring TWO squash rackets to foil/confuse potential kidnappers.
11.05am-11.08am; Walk to apartment complex gym. Greet police guards along the way while subtly checking for kidnappers hiding behind garbage bins. Decide it is safe to proceed.
11.00am-11.40am; Run on treadmill. Stop due to symptoms of stroke, heart attack, verruca and impending death.
11.40am-11.41am; Practise hitting squash ball against wall in squash court to facilitate playing squash with husband. Feel virtuous.
11.41am-11. 45am; Walk back to apartment, greet police guards again. Forget to check for kidnappers due to impending heart attack and throbbing varicose veins.
11.45am-12.00am; Shower and change into bikini in preparation for 50 laps of pool. Bring exercise book to write ideas for blog.
12.00 -12.01pm; List ideas for blog.
12.01pm -2.30pm; Sleep in pool deck chair hugging exercise book and favourite writing pencil.
2.30pm-2.35pm; Wake and examine exercise book/pencil shaped areas of sunburn on stomach and legs.
2.35pm -2.40pm; Do five laps of pool. Sit on pool ladder and watch as cool water turns sunburned stomach pink and white. Make mental note to remember sun-cream next time.
2.40pm-2.45pm; Review listed goals for day. Decide to resume researching healthy dinner recipes on Google. Change into nice dress. Consider ironing dress.
2.45pm-3.45pm; Find awesome gallery of Tom Selleck and Kris Kristofferson pictures. Pin these to “Lovely Hairy Men” Pinterest board.
3.45pm-4.00pm; Engage in Facebook argument about the existence or not of God. Make telling and incisive points. Suddenly realize don’t care about topic and resume watching cat videos on U-tube.
4.00pm-4.10pm; Search freezer. Find Tupperware container of something that may be food. Take out of freezer to defrost for dinner.
4.10pm-4.20pm; Decide to draft blog. Accidentally on purpose log in to Facebook. Examine Facebook friend requests. Consider if I have met anyone called Ashley Bigdickinmypants.
4.20-5.30; Scroll down list of “People you might know” on Facebook. Feel relieved not to know any of the listed people. Worry about why Facebook thinks I may know them. Wonder why people make Facebook pages for their pets. Send Friend requests to Fluffy Bottom Mc Cat and Sirius Dog-Face.
5.30 -5.35; Review goals for the next day.